If I was Santa Claus... - Printable Version

If I was Santa Claus... - Printable Version

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If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Billy Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]deer santa:

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer.

Yer Frend,BiLLy [/COLOR]

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a frigging book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell!

Flumper Claus

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Sarah Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

;Love,Sarah [/COLOR]

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?

FLumper

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Teddy Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love,Teddy[/COLOR]

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid, fat mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Maybe you can build yourself a family with those?

Love,

Jolly Ol St. Flump

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Francis Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drumkit, a pony and a tuba.

Love, Francis [/COLOR]

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay.

Flumper Claus

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Carol Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.

Love, Carol[/COLOR]

Dear Carol,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart. You want to do me a favor? Two words, Jim Beam.

Flumper

If I was Santa Claus... - Shadrach - 12-23-2005

some goodies there.:loool:

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Thomas Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?

Your friend, Thomas [/COLOR]

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made by little kids like you in China. Every year I give them a bean sandwich as a Christmas bonus. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time gambling. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Thanks.

FLumper Claus

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Jessica Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica[/COLOR]

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that stupid? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Flumper

If I was Santa Claus... - SanDog - 12-23-2005

JOLLY OLD SAINT FLUMP.

Holy shit. I am crying.

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Marky Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?

Love, Marky [/COLOR]

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent, ghetto apartment. Third, I get inside your dump just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.

Sweet Dreams,

Flumper Claus

If I was Santa Claus... - ntype - 12-23-2005

Samuel Wrote:[COLOR="Magenta"]Dear Santa,

I want to pet your reindeers and visit your factory in the north pole.

ps : I have been a good boy
[/COLOR]

Samuel, I won't stop this year by your house to deposit anything but I'll rather bang your mom then kidnap you and force you to work in my magic factory surrounded by nutin in the north pole and almost -40 all year long.

cheers

ps : no need to hide or put furnitures in front of the main door I have a special squad of SWAT-ELVES who gonna destroy your house with flashbangs and gaze you.

HAPPY XMAS '

If I was Santa Claus... - ntype - 12-23-2005

ps: flump :d

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Cindy Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]Dear Santa,

My mom has been real sick this year. We don't have much money but I want to get her something nice. Can you bring her a gift instead of me this year?

Love, Cindy[/COLOR]

Dear Cindy,

Too bad about your mom. Two questions. Is she contageous and is she hot?

Love,

Flumper Claus

If I was Santa Claus... - Blueeyedwoman - 12-23-2005

Flumper Claus. I'm dying. More, more PLEASE!

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Ned Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]Dear Santa,

I am realle looking foreward to xmas this year. I havebeen good. I want a pirate ship, a badmettun game, a bowling ball like my dads, a beebee gun, and a 4 wheeler.

Your freind,

Ned[/COLOR]

Ned,

You live in a fucking trailer son. What part of "you ain't gettin shit" do you not understand?

Love,

Flumper

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Susie Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]Dearest Santa,

My family is really worried about my Grandma. She has not been doing too good this year. I hope she gets better. I would like a Barbie doll house and a bunch of barbie dolls, a cell phone, a new computer for my room, and some CD's. I love you.

Love, Susie[/COLOR]

Susie,

Do I look like friggin Marcus Welby? Your grandmother is so old she's lucky to still be on top of the ground. Let it go.

When you get your new computer hooked up, look up my workshop site on http://www.tubgirl.com. Thanks.

Best regards,

Flumper Claus

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Why are none of you other wash rags adding to my list of letters?

Where's Banana? I hate this palce.

If I was Santa Claus... - Blueeyedwoman - 12-23-2005

So I'm a washrag now?

Would you like to choke on some fleur del sel, jackhole?

If I was Santa Claus... - Flumper Barflusterbutt - 12-23-2005

Blueeyedwoman Wrote:So I'm a washrag now?

Would you like to choke on some fleur del sel, jackhole?

Blueeyedwoman Wrote:[COLOR="Red"]Dear Santa,

I secretly have this crush on a guy that posts on an internet forum bored. He's hot. His name is Flumper and I want him to touch me in my naked places. I would like a webcam, a digital camera, a phone card with lots of minutes, and a video camera for Christmas. Thank you.

Love,

Blueeyedwoman[/COLOR]

Dear Blueeyedwoman,

Get a life.

Love,

Jolly Ol St. Flumper

If I was Santa Claus... - Blueeyedwoman - 12-23-2005

This is so embarrassing. You are #2 on my list. And I really do mean #2.

Sin,

Blondeinabenz