[Hambone]

SYMPTOM: Beer is unusually pale and tasteless.
CAUSE: Glass empty.
REMEDY: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless and front of your shirt is wet.
CAUSE: Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face.
REMEDY: Retire to nearest restroom and practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
CAUSE: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
REMEDY: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
CAUSE: Improper bladder control.
REMEDY: Make the excuse that you were previously standing next to a dog and then proceed to complain about its house training. Request another beer to calm your nerves.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
CAUSE: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
REMEDY: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
CAUSE: You are being carried out.
REMEDY: Ask if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
CAUSE: You have fallen over backward.
REMEDY: Have someone tie you upright to the bar until your designated driver is ready to leave and bring you home.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
CAUSE: You have fallen forward.
REMEDY: See above.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
CAUSE: Bar has closed.
REMEDY: Confirm your home address with bartender and have someone call you a taxi.