[leeman]

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on

envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that

needs sealing.


Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.


I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)

who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.


I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the

$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating

in their special e-mail program.


I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out

for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.


I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant

freaks with no eyes or feathers.


I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water

buffalo on a hot day.


Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I

forward

an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.


Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove

toilet stains.


I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car

so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.


I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these

products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans


I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.


And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave

anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.


I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked

with a needle infected with AIDS.


I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a

perfume

sample and rob me.


I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al

Qaeda in disguise.


I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our

American troops or the Salvation Army.


I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number

for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,

Singapore

, and Uzbekistan .


I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their

recipe.


Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown

African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it

bites my butt.


And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I found in the

parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting

underneath my car to grab my leg.


I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas

companies!


If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70

minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this

afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you

to

grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to

a

friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's

cousin's beautician...


Have a wonderful day....


Oh, by the way.....A South American scientist from Argentina , after a

lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity

read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.


Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.