[snarg]

April 16, 2005

OP-ED CONTRIBUTOR Take This Quiz and Call Me in the Morning

By JOHN KENNEY

octors in New York City have begun to use a simple questionnaire to determine if a patient is at risk for depression.

- The New York Times, April 13

(For the following questions, please check only one box.)

My general mood today is:

— Ecstatic.

— Generally happy.

— Fine.

— I want to kill the person next to me on the F train flossing.

• Most days I feel:

— Dandy.

— Strangers on the train.

— Like "I've got canned heat in my heels tonight, baby."

— Like I could beat a baby seal to death and laugh the whole time.

• When I have time to myself and my mind wanders, the thoughts are:

— Positive.

— Negative.

— Sex.

— Bela Karolyi.

• If I was informed that my recent girl/boyfriend was seen on a date just eight days after the breakup, I would:

— Wish them the best.

— Wonder with whom.

— Follow her/him and consider going to that store in the East 30's that sells C.I.A.-like equipment where you can listen to people up to a mile away without their knowledge.

— Hope he/she got food poisoning.

• The effect of living in a crowded, noisy, expensive city and working in a dead-end job in a windowless office where the "big" thrill is signing yet another co-worker's birthday card with some dopey line you don't even mean and then, later, Thursday night drinks and random hook-ups that leave you embarrassed and will eventually make you wonder if New York is really for you to the point where you feel:

— Excited to meet the day.

— Satisfied that life is offering you more than you ever imagined in college.

— What was the question?

— A cold coming on.

• Let's say I just saw your old girl/boyfriend and she/he looked really happy and couldn't recall your name. That would make you feel:

— Confused.

— Hurt.

— Gassy.

— Like punching the questioner in the face, hard, like a bunch of times.

• I watch reruns of "Law & Order" even though I have seen them many times before, and there are books I have not read, and that art history class at the New School, and even just a walk over the Brooklyn Bridge at dusk - but then, there's the Burritoville menu right there by the phone and so I:

— Think about showering this week.

— Feel lonely.

— Look at Craigslist's "casual encounters" section and then feel dirty.

— Think I'll have a "California Chicken Bab-o-rito" with a side of plantains.

• Seriously, though, if you learned that someone just saw your old girl/boyfriend, like, 20 minutes ago with this super-hot girl/guy, and they looked really happy, how would you feel?

— Like tackling you and stuffing a sleeve of thin mints down your throat.

— I want to go home now.

— I hate forms and I hate this office and wish I was dead.

— Depressed.

John Kenney has just completed his first novel.


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<img name="s_i_nytimesglobal" alt="" border="0" height="1" width="1">

[Anhil8tor]

ok who gave dairy snargs login info?

[snarg]

take the test, skidmark

[Anhil8tor]

My general mood today is:

Check— Ecstatic.

— Generally happy.

— Fine.

— I want to kill the person next to me on the F train flossing.

• Most days I feel:

Check— Dandy.

— Strangers on the train.

— Like "I've got canned heat in my heels tonight, baby."

— Like I could beat a baby seal to death and laugh the whole time.

• When I have time to myself and my mind wanders, the thoughts are:

— Positive.

— Negative.

Check— Sex.

— Bela Karolyi.

• If I was informed that my recent girl/boyfriend was seen on a date just eight days after the breakup, I would:

— Wish them the best.

Check— Wonder with whom.

— Follow her/him and consider going to that store in the East 30's that sells C.I.A.-like equipment where you can listen to people up to a mile away without their knowledge.

— Hope he/she got food poisoning.

• The effect of living in a crowded, noisy, expensive city and working in a dead-end job in a windowless office where the "big" thrill is signing yet another co-worker's birthday card with some dopey line you don't even mean and then, later, Thursday night drinks and random hook-ups that leave you embarrassed and will eventually make you wonder if New York is really for you to the point where you feel:

— Excited to meet the day.

— Satisfied that life is offering you more than you ever imagined in college.

Check— What was the question?

— A cold coming on.

• Let's say I just saw your old girl/boyfriend and she/he looked really happy and couldn't recall your name. That would make you feel:

— Confused.

Check— Hurt.

— Gassy.

— Like punching the questioner in the face, hard, like a bunch of times.

• I watch reruns of "Law & Order" even though I have seen them many times before, and there are books I have not read, and that art history class at the New School, and even just a walk over the Brooklyn Bridge at dusk - but then, there's the Burritoville menu right there by the phone and so I:

— Think about showering this week.

— Feel lonely.

Check— Look at Craigslist's "casual encounters" section and then feel dirty.

— Think I'll have a "California Chicken Bab-o-rito" with a side of plantains.

• Seriously, though, if you learned that someone just saw your old girl/boyfriend, like, 20 minutes ago with this super-hot girl/guy, and they looked really happy, how would you feel?

— Like tackling you and stuffing a sleeve of thin mints down your throat.

Check— I want to go home now.

— I hate forms and I hate this office and wish I was dead.

— Depressed.

[Jesse Antarctica]

:=p

[hoax]

im getting depressed just reading this post.

[snarg]

thank you, all
:finger:

[Jesse Antarctica]

thank you, all
:finger:

life's a bitch.

() yes
() fuck yeah !
() yes

That would have been quicker.

[snarg]

i dint make up the damn test
it is skewed for new yorkers
they have every reason to be depressed

[Anhil8tor]

so did I win?

[snarg]

you won, 8
your prize is a new pink frock
i will send it to your mom for her approval
you can pick it up at her house
congrats